Dear Judy,
My colleague at work lost a loved one during 9/11 — lots of publicity, TV and newspaper coverage as you can imagine, and all of us commiserated and felt lousy for this person. I’m not going to go into too many details about who this person is, not even the gender or age of the deceased, for obvious reasons.
Well it’s been, as you know, seven years and counting since that tragic day, but you’d never know it from the way my colleague behaves. On and on and on about the fatal day, the misery, the shock, the emptiness, the loss, the hunting for the remains of the deceased. Everything. Perfect strangers are cornered and told and re-told the details of that horrible day. I am serious when I say that: I’ve seen strangers cornered. Not to mention the rest of us.
What can the rest of us do, Judy? We are being made crazy by this colleague. It’s as though this person is in a way trying — years later – to extend and prolong the fabled 10 minutes of fame. Still splashing around in a long, sudsy, warm bath of wrangled sympathy that goes on forever. My girlfriend died of a heart attack two years ago, okay? And it was a really freak occurrence (she was 41). My father, whom I loved, recently died of a series of strokes. I don’t discuss the details even with my closest friends.
Should I say something to this colleague? Like: “Stop. You’re killing the rest of us.” Or would that be cruel?
Frank (no city, please)
Dear Frank,
I realize that it must seem to the rest of you as though your colleague were trying to refresh that first shot of fame and coverage — forever, if need be. And maybe that’s exactly what’s going on. It certainly sounds like this person is very lonely.
I’m not going to suggest, as I normally would, that you or your friends provide this person with company, or hit the bars together. That sounds like too much of a sacrifice. But I am going to suggest you not make any callous remarks.
It’s the least you can do. And in this instance it’s also probably the most you should do.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I had a friend like that. Her husband was killed in a pile-up caused by weather which got national publicity and the story was all over our local paper. I helped a lot. Listened to her for hours, had her and the kids over for meals, you name it. So did all her friends. Even when all of her old friends dropped her, I felt it my responsibility. Well guess what. When my dad died, she was too busy to call. Obviously, she worried that for about 5 minutes she would have to pay attention rather than giving it. That was that. She once yelled at someone who told a funny story about her late husband. She showed up at someone else’s home unannounced expecting star treatment because of her widowhood. You did what you could to help her get along with her life. If she can’t manage to, it’s her problem! Get along with yours.
Maybe this is dumb but why don’t you suggest a big get together to discuss the dead person and the events surrounding the demise. Possibly your colleague needs closure doing it publicly and openly might help.
this is so sad
In a work environment, this really painful problem should be raised with the person who supervises Frank’s colleague. As diplomatically as possible — because supervisors hate dealing with this kind of situation. Frank can do it alone, or can do it with others who feel like he does.
While the person is clearly a nuisance, there also seems to be a serious problem which requires help. As you have worked with this colleague for more than 7 years, who is therefore no stranger, perhaps you or someone else from the workplace can approach the organization for which your colleague’s loved one worked pre 9/11 and find out if they have a program to help those left behind or another suggestion along those lines.