Dear Judy,
I’m writing because someone I loved very much died on 9/11. It wasn’t a husband or anyone I can openly acknowledge because he was married.
Nonetheless, there are plenty of people who knew about us and what we meant to each other. For years I’ve belong to a book club, and a number of its members keep hugging me each time we get together — 9 years and they’re still doing the hugging number. And they also say, “Don’t be so sad. It’s only going to get easier.” Or, “Eventually whole days will go by without thinking of him.”
Or, “He led such a full life!”
Well, guess what? 9 years later it isn’t any easier. And I think of him practically all the time! And his life wasn’t exactly full, and neither is mine.
How can I get them to stop acting so stupid?
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Nine years, and you think of him almost all the time? And you’re angry at the people who sympathize with your grief and say whatever they think they have to say to try to alleviate it?
I’d say, and I’m mentioning this very seriously now, you need to talk to someone professional in the field of therapy and grief counseling. There’s clearly a lot of rage, some of which may have to do with your friend’s death — but much of it not, I suspect.
Maybe you’re angry the two of you never got to reveal your close relationship to the world at large. Maybe you feel there’s a lot of unfinished business because your friend never left his wife. In any event, it’s long past time for you to stop being angry at people who are trying to be kind.
And to let go.
Thanks for writing
Judy
