Dear Judy,
My best friend lost her 12-year-old to leukemia a few months ago. I saw her weep at the child’s funeral, but apart from that, never since. Everyone notices that she is dry-eyed, stoic, and seemingly impervious to grief.
On the other hand, since her son’s death, she has pulled her back out, endured a series of mystery stomach ailments, and developed fierce migraines, which she never had before. In other words, it’s obvious she’s falling apart. Her husband is — literally — useless. He is not the child’s father; I think a part of him is actually relieved the boy is no longer on his hands, depriving him of the attention he feels is his due. He’s that kind of guy, always has been.
Obviously my friend needs help — probably professional help. But how can I suggest this, Judy? My friend won’t even go home with me for a decent dinner. She won’t confide, not to me or anyone who knows and likes her. She says she’s doing okay, all things considered. But none of us believe her.
Any suggestions?
Irene
Dear Irene,
I do have a suggestion: wait. I think from your description of the situation, sooner or later your friend will open up. Maybe not next week or next month. The tragedy is still too new and raw for her to process, most probably, much less discuss with others.
But eventually she’ll need a listener and a confidant. Listen first. Without interruption. Then, if she seems amenable, advise. The subject of professional help (although excellent advice) should come up only after a long talk. It should not be the first thing you say.
The first thing to say is: How can I help?
Thank you for writing
Judy
You should wait, as Judy suggests, but not too long. If after a year things are still the same, you may want to write her a letter, saying that you are doing this because you love her, and then tell her how concerned you are and why. She sounds like she is deteriorating, it could be a bottomless pit, and probably needs a jolt, the proverbial slap in the face, to help her snap out.
Tragically, your friend will never recover. The effect of such a loss is not only physical but also emotional. She may find it easier to socialize with people who have been through the same trauma and understand the toll it takes. It will be painful for you, and for her, but that is life. I have been there, and I picked up the pieces with people who viewed my backaches and migranes as the norm.
I find yoour comments about the husband quite offensive. How can you be so judgmental about a guy who lost his stepchild and is living with a grieving mother?
It is not clear if Irene’s friend works or attends church. If the latter, it may be an optikon to talk to her rabbi, pastor, or imam and seee if they can help. If the former, and Irene knows the people with whom her friend is close to at work, then this might be worth exploring.
But Irene shouldn’t give up looking for a way to reach her friend, even if it isn’t her doing so directly
Sauli