Dear Judy,
I don’t know if this is meddling or not. My niece, who was just 8, died of leukemia 2 months ago. Last Monday, I visited my sister, as I do every week, just to talk and have coffee. After a few minutes she said, “I have a new study.”
When I looked at her, incomprehending, she said, “Come visit.” We went into the back of her apartment where my little niece used to have her bedroom. There it was: the pink paint removed and replaced by beige. The twin beds with matching pink ruffles gone. The stuffed animals gone. The little chest of drawers and Barbies gone.
Now: nothing but clean lines. A teak desk, a matching beige couch, a new PC and printer. I felt sick.
We went back to the living room, then I left without saying much. I think my sister is in denial. Or refuses to grieve. Or something. I just don’t know what is going on. Should I say something? I felt the child’s life had been erased.
Millie
Dear Millie,
Obviously you know your sister — her needs, her emotions, her way of expressing grief. Very likely in previous years you’ve seen her refuse to express an emotion, or suppress an outburst. I’m pretty sure you saw how she dealt with her young daughter’s illness: very likely she’s been reining her feelings in for a long time.
For good reason: she needed to. She couldn’t let her daughter see how devasted she was. She couldn’t even acknowledge it to herself, or she would have had a hard time dealing with the illness itself.
So my advice is: if this is the way your sister manages to manage, then so be it. It works for her. If she feels that renovating the child’s room is the way for her to deal with her life, let her. I know these days everyone is fond of teaching others how to grieve — as though it were an art.
But I frankly think it’s those who have suffered the worst losses who have the most to teach us. The rest of us are just amateurs.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Millie, your sister is very wise. Anything which is not done immediately becomes entrenched and untouchable. i have friends whose daughter was killed in an accident more than 10 years ago. they didnt touch anything the first month. or year. and now it is so late that they would like to relocate — however they feel stuck staying close to the shrine.
Hey look, when your sister invited you to see her new study, she was probably expecting it to be a prelude to a discussion about how she feels, how other family members are coping, etc. She was probably amazed when you said nothing