Dear Judy,
My father-in-law lives about 4 hours away, and seems very ill (major organ removed because of cancer, radiation for 16 weeks, 4 rounds of chemotherapy).
His wife is adament she’ll take care of everything: no need for a nurse,, no need for a house cleaner, no need for one of us to come up and give her a break.
Any suggests on what would be a good Christmas present?
Lorraine
Dear Lorraine,
I would suggest — and I very rarely do this — that you completely ignore your mother-in-law’s bravado and claims of self-sufficiency, and tell your in-laws that you very much want to see them in the coming weeks. That is a big Christmas gift, but it involves a lot of thought and planning.
Do NOT stay at their house. That just means more work, care and feeding for your mother-in-law, and it may be why she said she can go it alone, without help. Instead, check in at a nearby hotel or B&B. Then go over, hug your in-laws, and see what needs to be done to make their lives somewhat easier and more comfortable.
If your father-in-law needs nursing care, check and see what Medicare can supply — or hospice care (should he be within around six months of dying). Make those phone calls, so your in-laws don’t have to.
If you notice your mother-in-law is too tired to do a lot of driving, you and your husband might offer to drive your father-in-law to doctors, or stop by the pharmacy for his medications.
If you know your in-laws’ preferences, you might rent some movies for them, or buy the kind of novels they like. If you and your spouse are good cooks, make them a few meals: your mother-in-law might really need the sustenance, although I suspect after chemo and radiation your father-in-law won’t have much of an appetite.
In other words just being there for them — but not being a burden to them — will be the finest Christmas present you can give. And it will be very important for your father-in-law to see his son.
Thank you for writing
Judy
