Dear Judy,
My late husband was a partner in a medium-sized law firm, where believe it or not, almost everyone got along really well. Lots of social events, christenings, weddings etc: it was that kind of atmosphere.
When my husband died, everyone went to his funeral, and some of the other partners and the associates have been really nice ever since. I am still invited to Christmas and July Fourth parties, even a bar mitzvah.
But I’m embarrassed to say I’m sick of most of it. A lot of the events serve only to remind me my husband is gone and I am all alone, and I come home feeling sad, tired and actually lonelier than when I left the apartment.
So what do I do, Judy? Turn these nice people down the next time I’m asked to a function? Or go, and have a miserable time, smiling all the while?
Becky
Dear Becky,
As you possibly know, I get a number of emails from widows whose friends dropped them once their status changed from wife to — available. Yours is, I can honestly say, the only email I ever got complaining of an active and continuing social life, courtesy of your husband’s friends and associates.
You never mention when your husband died, but I suspect, given the sharpness of your grief, it was fairly recently. Which means you still need some time to mourn.
I’m not saying you’re ever going to get over missing your husband, or grieving over your loss. But I do think some of the misery will be reduced. And I also think, given the closeness of the firm and its members, that you owe it not simply to yourself but to the memory of your husband to go to the parties to which you’ve been invited.
You don’t have to stay until dawn. You don’t have be the life of the party. But smiling a lot isn’t the worst thing in the world: in fact as time passes, I think it will come naturally to you. And best of all, you’ll no longer have to put on an act. You’ll start, really and truly, to enjoy yourself.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Becky is being plain silly. She says she is all alone, ignoring the fact that people are actively trying to help her out of her loneliness. If she continues with her negative approach, soon enough she will find herself truly all alone.
Judy, you are so right. If Becky refuses these invitations, soon enough they will stop coming. She should at least go to these events briefly, to indicate to her husband’s colleagues that she appreciates their efforts to include her.
In my experience, and the experiences of my clients, office events are imbued with the aura of the dead man, which attach themselves to all those present. Becky will never overcome his loss if she subjects herself to the presence of that overpowering aura, which ties her to the past. She should concentrate on establishing new connections with new people unpolluted by past associations and contacts with the dead.
At this point Becky needs to find a way to spend her time doing something that will distract her, or at least make her feel better. Yes, it is nice of her husband’s colleagues to inviter her to these events. However, Becky is suffering from an enormous loss. She should not be made to feel guilty if she decides to skip out on some of these gatherings. LIke Candee says, she should try to make new connections with new people. If these colleagues are truly friends, they will be empathetic understanding of Becky’s feelings.