Dear Judy,
My daughter who is 9 is very friendly with another little girl in her class, and they’ve had a lot of sleepovers, play-dates, etc. Last week — and I can’t believe I’m writing this — the mother of that little girl was murdered. The estranged father is the main but not the official suspect, but not yet under arrest.
I just don’t know what to do. Naturally my daughter knows her friend’s mother was killed — everyone knows. It was on the evening news.
But obviously I don’t want my child sleeping over any more. For one thing, the father has now moved in, and is living with his own daughter, and I sure don’t want my own child in contact with him. Also: I’m a little nervous about having that little girl come visit us at our apartment because the father will probably pick her up.
So my daughter keeps asking why she can’t play with her friend. I feel like a creep, because I know my daughter’s friend needs help and support now. But at the same time, I am very scared for my daughter’s safety as long as that father is around and not in jail where I think he belongs.
Any thoughts? I want to be kind and loving to the little girl, but how can I do it without imperiling the rest of us?
Peggy
Dear Peggy,
Yours is the most troubling and difficult email I’ve had since starting thecheckoutline.org.
All is I know for sure is: You’re right about one thing. Your first concern must be the safety of your own daughter. If the father is indeed a murder suspect, officially or not, you can’t allow your child to spend time with him.
I realize of course that a man who murders his wife doesn’t necessarily pose a danger to young children. But it’s not a risk you can take. And I realize also that since that man hasn’t yet been charged with any crime — and may never be – you might be judging him unfairly. And, worst of all, inflicting pain and isolation on his own child, in the bargain.
But the safety of one’s own children has to be a primary concern. It is a fact that most murders are committed by a person who knows the victim. In your shoes, I would err on the side of caution. Tell your daughter that for the moment, it’s best that she play with other kids.
Thank you for writing
Judy
This is a tough story, as you say, and it has others aspects which are problematic. Peggy doesn’t say a word about whether or not the school is doing anything at all about this. I’ll bet all the kids in the class are all imagining what would happen if their mother died in the same way. No counseling? No grief therapy? No advice on how to handle the bereaved child’s needs? If the father is indeed a prime suspect, why did authorities allow him to move in with his child? Has the whole world gone crazy??
If Peggy had a heart, she would welcome the child into her own home until the issues are resolved.
Wholesome families should stick together. Let all the newfangled families, so called single mothers, “same sex marriages” and who knows what will be next, suffer the consequences of their actions. I am sorry if i sound callous, but Peggy’s question tells us everything we need to know abou the outcome of selfish choices.
Judy, how can you give a platform to a bigot like Jean in Ohio? Divorce is common and strikes every family, it seems like. What exactly is she saying? That a single mom deserved to be murdered? That the child needs no support?
My opinion: The safety of the child is paramount, and there are some things which can’t be easily explained to a 9 year old. The mother should just tell her daughter she must trust her mother’s judgment, that the situation is “temporary” and that when she is older her reasons will be explained.
I see the points raised by Sioban about the uselessness of the education and welfare authorities and then the heartlessness of Jean, and ask if this is all typical of America?
Great info, i appreciate your After Murder: Kid Trauma | The Checkout Line blog and your way of writing and knowledge sharing.
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