Dear Judy,
I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t use my real name or even where I’m from at the bottom of this email. I’m a 60-year-old woman who’s just been through surgery for tongue cancer. I think I’m okay and the surgeon got whatever he needed to get (mainly part of my tongue). I have difficulty speaking as a result. And things are made more difficult still because my husband passed 4 years ago of a heart attack.
We — my husband and I — had always planned to live our estate, which is considerable, to those of our nieces who had been especially pleasant to be around. We have no children of our own, and 3 out of our 5 nieces were really sweet when my husband was alive. We wrote a will and basically cut the other 2 out of any inheritance.
The problem now is those 3 “nice” nieces were pretty distant when I fell ill with tongue cancer. In fact the niece who was the most considerate and affectionate was the eldest. She lives 2 hours away, but she visited me in the hospital quite often and never arrived empty-handed. When I returned home to convalesce, she would come, serve me cool drinks with straws, fix me ice cream slightly melted, tidy up, and talk to the night nurse when I fell asleep. She was heaven-sent. The other nieces just couldn’t be bothered, I guess, especially now that I have a speech impediment, which is embarrassing — for me and for everyone who has to listen to me.
My impulse is to leave everything to this oldest niece (she is 30). But of course that would be violating the agreement my husband and I made while he was still alive. I feel terrible about that. But perhaps I would feel worse cutting this delightful young woman who’s been so helpful to me when I was sick out of my will.
What do you think?
Theresa
Dear Theresa,
I think your husband would be the first to understand your change of heart. After all, the original plan to leave your combined estates to 3 nieces was designed specifically to reward the 3 you both thought were the “nice nieces.”
You have reconsidered their characters in the interim, apparently.
I never counsel people to cut relatives out of their wills entirely (well, not unless something really heinous has occurred). But why not leave the preponderance of the estate to the niece you have, for good reason, come to love and admire? And leave a little something to the rest who never bothered with you when you were sick. They will get the message, each and every one of them.
Which, come to the think of it, is the whole point of wills.
A will should take into account what the terms will do to the beneficiaries and also to those left out. If the three nice nieces know they were once in the will they’ll certainly accuse her of being nice to you for purely monetary reasons, and may never talk to her again. Is this what you want?
If you can afford it, reward the niece who was kind to you, and divide the whole thing equally. You just never know what fate has in store for anyone. You want them all to get the message. Right? Better now than later!!!!
Surely you and your husband could not have been totally wrong in your judgments? Maybe there was some misunderstanding, exacerbated by your flawed speech? It would be awful to live with this perpetual disappointment for your remaining years. Speak to them and clear it up.
Let me get this clear, Judy. You mean the nieces who ignored her should get something? Why, why, why??? They failed the test. And failed miserably. Why reward them?
Dear Theresa,
I too have tongue cancer. I had half my tongue removed along with a neck dissection, forearm flap procedure and 33 radiation treatments. My cancer was caused by the radiation I received when I had Hodgkin’s Disease when I was 21 years old. In 2 weeks I will turn 45. I am married and have 2 children. My son is 26 and is married. They have a beautiful daughter, Reese, born this past October. My daughter is 19 and in her second year of college. She is pre-med. I have had cancer twice. The odds of me surviving the next 2 years are against me. In the past 6 months there have been close friends and family that I always thought would be there for me that have backed away. And there have been many that I previously thought were “flaky” and “distant” that have stepped up to help along this difficult road. I have come to realize that everyone deals with losing a loved one differently. Some can deal with it and help out and others cannot. Does that make the people that cannot bad people? Maybe, maybe not. Does it make them care less? I don’t think so. My heart goes out to you - as I understand the speach problems and difficulties you are facing. All I can offer as advice is go with your heart - you more than anyone knows what the right choice is. If anything, leave some of your wealth to each — and of course some to a worthy charity.
Just remember that your wealth is not about money. There is more to you than that which means you have more to offer your nieces than money.
Dear Jeanne
I think your advice, through difficult experience, is better and wiser than anything I offered.
Take care — and write again soon. Your wisdom is appreciated
Judy