Dear Judy,
I have a first cousin who died of AIDS complications in March. I thought he was terrific: a talented musician, really great sense of humor. He died too young (48) and without much support from his immediate family.
The problem is my mother’s sister (his mother) and her second husband — even my mother: they’ve told anybody who asked that my cousin died of pneumonia. Well that’s partly true: he had a lot of illnesses by the time he died, and the pneumonia did finish him off, but really it was HIV/AIDS which weakened him so badly he couldn’t fight back.
The entire family acts like he was struck by lightning, and that includes my mother. Do I have to go along with all this bullshit? Can’t I correct them when they babble on about the pernicious results of “untreated” pneumonia?
Ricky
Dear Ricky,
I am so sorry about the death of your cousin. I realize it’s infuriating to watch close relatives behave as though the tragic illness of a good man was cause for shame and subterfuge.
So here’s the answer to your question. If your mother or your aunt tells mutual friends within your hearing that your cousin died of “untreated” pneumonia, it’s not a good idea to correct them right there and then. That will only stir up a fuss, and who needs that?
But if friends inquire further — or bring up the puzzling cause of the untimely death of your cousin at a later date — you may of course inform them of the facts: that HIV/AIDS weakened his system so badly that he wasn’t able to fend off a final bout of pneumonia.
I doubt that anyone in the family will have the nerve to correct you.
Thank you for writing
Judy
The grieving mother has not come to terms with her son being gay, let her grieve without adding salt to her injurues. When and if she is ready, she will face reality, but until then, let her be.
Rumors travel fast, especially the bad kind. Your reader should know that everyone knows the truth. He can humor the aunt, mother and step- uncle, or decide to confront their hypocrisy.
The answer is real simple. If enough people tell the truth, it improves the chances of the next HIV/AIDS victim to get proper treatment and decent familial support. If you go along with the coverup, you enable the next HIV/Aids death.
Ricky should ask: what would his late cousin have wanted?
My own sense of what to say or not say in these situations is guided by a simple question to myself. “What good comes of my telling the truth?” Secondly, although the cousin is passed on, he still has a right to not have his disease discussed for the purpose of good gossip.
If the purpose is to educate that can be done without smearing the name of your relative.
Something along the line of, ” At times, this type of pneumonia can be seen in persons with a deficient immune system.” Let them draw their own conclusions (could be TB, Aids, cancer, a transplant)……Guide yourself by allowing his mom to grieve the son lost, for now that is enough. Blessings
“What good comes out of telling the truth?” Well as SanFranciscoSam said, spreading the word helps future victims. Trying to “cover up” his death just makes it that much harder for others. And it’s only “smearing the name” if you’re homophobic.
Absolutely let his mother (and the rest of the family) grieve without stirring up trouble. I think that by asking this question in the first place just shows that you’re a decent human being! Recognizing that your cousins life - and death - should be respected, but also recognizing that it’s his family that’s here now dealing with the loss.
But in regards to Jeanne’s response, comparing Ricky’s cousin’s death to gossip and smearing… well, that just seems like the kind of attitude Ricky is trying to avoid, no?