Dear Judy,
I live on the Coast, and I have an incredibly demanding job. (I’m a lawyer in a large firm). My sister lives just 10 minutes from our mother who has Alzheimer’s, pretty advanced. Sometimes she remembers who my sister is, sometimes not. Me — never.
I can come to Florida exactly twice a year. My sister is really angry. She says she has to do all the s-work (true enough) and between two teenage children and an out-of-work husband and a job, she has her hands full.
I guess she’s right. But what’s the point? Mom can’t recognize me. My sister will only go on and on about her awful life if I stay with her.
But I feel guilty. So what do I do? Am I right to be guilty?
I told her I’d ask you. So I’m asking.
Fred
Dear Fred,
Yes, you should feel guilty. More to the point, you should visit your mother more often, relieve the burden on your overworked sister, and take care of a lot of matters that need fixing.
And since you’re a lawyer, here’s one you can start on right now, and you don’t even have to leave your office to do it: Your mother’s Living Will, her Will, her durable power of attorney for health care decisions: I’ll bet all these need re-reading and updating. You’ll want to consult with your sister on all this, but you’re the one who can make sure they’re in order.
Oh — and airfares are cheap this year. Go buy yourself a ticket to Florida.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Anyone who starts by saying that he can go to Floriday only twice a year is not seeking advice — just looking for some kind of approval of his own selfishness.
You poor thing! Such a demanding job! While all your sister does is deal with an out-of-work husband, teenagers, and everything else. Isn’t she lucky to have so much time on her hands? Shame on you!
I am really reluctant to say this, as some of my best friends are lawyers, but Fred epitomizes all their worst qualities. He’s a walking stereotyp. So what if his mother doesn’t recognize him? Does he have any idea about the huge amount of work and effort involved in this? I somehow don’t think so….
If my sibling had that kind of superior condescending attitude, I’d refuse all help!
Fred, I think if you would display a little sympathy for your sister’s situation, and show that you appreicate her efforts, she would be less resentful. You might send her a cook to fill her freezer once a month. Or treat her and her husband to a nice weekend trip when you are in Florida. Try it.
Judy, Love your advice on this one. I would add one thing. It would not hurt for this brother to come out of pocket for some well deserved respite care for his sister and her family. As they live in Florida a fun “Disney” break may be in order. Go for a visit and present some tickets. Or…allow this sister to have a “spa” day. Something that shows you get it!! Whew! Don’t make me come down there!