Dear Judy,
In a nasty twist of face both my mother and my mother-in-law are afflicted with Alzheimers. My husband seems to feel that despite some of the unpleasant (very unpleasant!) outward symptoms of the illness, both kids, who are 19 and 25, should visit them regularly. He says these visits from their grandsons might give the ladies a little joy, so that makes it okay.
He also says that when these women were well and a bit younger they were kind and generous, and that’s what the kids should never forget.
Judy, I think he’s nuts. One way to make sure the kids will forget how kind and charming their grandmothers once were is for them to see them now. I don’t have to spell out what Alzheimers does to the brain, do I? Or how it affects behavior? My mother no longer recognizes either of my sons; my husband’s mother sometimes recognizes the older one, sometimes thinks he’s her (long dead) husband.
So what I want to know is: what about the trauma on our kids?
Janet in Minneapolis
Dear Janet,
A) Your sons are 19 and 25, which means they’re not exactly kids. B) Some time or other, and it might as well be now, your sons are going to learn that life is very unfair. C) You are doing a disservice to your own sons by suggesting they can’t handle the terrible illness of a beloved grandmother. Or in their case, two beloved grandmothers.
And D) Your husband is right.
Thanks for writing,
Judy
