Dear Judy,
Our mother has Alzheimer’s. Right now it’s in the “moderate” stage, meaning not too good, obviously, but not the end of the line either. I live a mile away from our mother. I work downtown in a large law firm.
My brothers. though, live much farther away. There are three of us, and all of us are concerned about our mother’s welfare. She’s been divorced quite some time, and our father hasn’t had much contact with her. So I guess it’s just us and her. She shops and moves around, but we’re all wondering when the day will come when she’ll wander off naked or do something equally weird.
The thing is, whenever one of my siblings phones and our mother doesn’t pick up, or doesn’t call back within 2 hours, he’s certain she’s gone totally gaga and is in trouble. Then I get the frantic call, either at the law firm or at my house, to go out “immediately” and check up on Mom.
This pisses me off. In the first place, my brothers can lift their asses once in a while and come around if they’re all that concerned about Mom’s condition. In the second, I obviously see Mom pretty often, but it can’t be around the clock.
Obviously this system isn’t working. Do you have a better one in mind?
Robbie
Dear Robbie,
Yes, I do. In the first place, if your mother’s diagnosis is “moderate” Alzheimer’s, that means she need paid help now: a companion who can help her with chores, and who also, of course, can make sure that no disaster befalls her, at least not on her watch
It doesn’t — yet — have to be around-the-clock care, but at least five days a week, for 7-8 hours a day should do it for now. Maybe you or your brothers can come in on weekends. As your mother’s condition worsens, which I’m sure you know it will, other more comprehensive forms of care will be needed, and this may mean by the end, a facility that will provide your mother with everything she needs.
All this care comes at a cost, but since there are three of you, I’m sure you can all chip in. At least that way, the burden (and the panic, when your mother doesn’t pick up the phone right away) won’t fall completely on you.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Robbie: may I suggest you sit down with your brothers and discuss how you feel. Things aren’t going to get better — trust me, I’ve been there. And if you don’t sort this out with them now, they will become more unreasonable and you will become even more resentful.
I had a thought: Isn’t there some neighbor nearby who could be called on? A person who could check in from time to time when the mother doesn’t answer the phone?
I think it’s amazing that these 3 adult children need to bitch and fight about keeping an eye on one old lady.