Dear Judy,
My father, who was a prominant attorney in Georgia, has recently been diagnosed with moderate-stage Alzheimer’s Disease. I know because I’m his adult daughter. He is just 72. It’s heartbreaking.
My question: Do I tell him he has Alzheimer’s? Or do I keep quiet? My mother and sister say we owe him the truth. But what can my father do about the truth? Nothing! I think the truth, which is that he will only get worse until he becomes completely demented and then dies, would just kill him.
I’m also afraid he might take his own life if he hears the diagnosis. I’m sure that’s why his doctor told me and my mother, but not my father.
My sister and mother read you online, and they say they really respect your thoughts and opinions on terminal illness. What do you think?
Carrie
Dear Carrie,
I think Alzheimer’s Disease is one of the few instances where most people would be better off not knowing what illness they have. There is no way out, and they can’t function well as is. But for guidance on the matter, I asked Dr. Howard Fillit of New York, a nationally known and highly respected Alzheimer’s specialist who was philanthropist Brook Astor’s doctor. Dr. Fillit is also head of Alzheimer’s Discovery, a non-profit organization looking for cures for the disease. Here’s his opinion:
“The vast majority of the time, I don’t tell patients they have Alzheimer’s. It’s a bit of a dilemma because on the one hand the patient has a right to know, but on the other both compassion and clinical judgment are at work. So most doctors don’t use the A-word because it’s very scary to the patient.
“Also, the patient who comes to us with moderate-stage Alzheimer’s is cognitively impaired. So there’s not a lot of value in saying, ‘You have Alzheimer’s,’ because if there’s memory loss the patient might not even remember what you’ve told them.
“BUT — I alsways insist on seeing an Alzheimer’s patient with a caregiver, and I always tell that caregiver the patient has the illness. “
So there it is. In your place, I would learn as much as possible about Alzheimer’s. But the best way of dealing it is to say nothing to your father.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Honestly, I can’t imagine having to tell a parent that he has Alzheimer’s. Rarely is the easiest option the right one. In this specific case, I would say that it is an anomaly. Like you said, your father can’t do anything with this information. Your best option is to keep this to yourself but keep a close eye on him.
This is one instance that I would agree wholeheartly with not telling a patient the raw truth. At the moderate level of Alzheimer’s there is already cognitive impairment and so it is likely the short term memory is pretty much destroyed. Make sure the caregiver (your Mom) has support! This is an exhausting disease. The longest stage of this disease is the moderate stage, we are talking years here. Imagine having a toddler around for 10 years. I mean that in terms of keeping an eye on someone, not as an insult to anyone’s past or present intelligence. Get involved with a support group amd pull together as a family. Blessings to you in this process.
If he can go without knowing it, then don’t tell him that he has Alzheimer’s disease. Many a cases patients can live normally with the help of family members and doctors even after having the disease. In such a case, do not tell him and let him live happily for the rest of his life.