Dear Judy
This is indelicate. But so is my problem. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, and it has resulted on her visits to our home in stains on the living room couch. I don’t know what to do.
She has a caretaker. I have told her and told her that my mother-in-law needs Depends or some other protection, and not just when she visits here, but in her own apartment too! No go.
My husband says good caretakers are hard to find, and he doesn’t want to “alientate” (his word!) the woman on whom his mother relies. Obviously, I can’t mention the issue to the old lady.
So what can I do?
Hazel
Dear Hazel,
This is not so much an issue about dying as dye-ing — am I right?
No, but seriously, since your husband is fearful of alienating the caretaker, the issue is yours alone. Tell the caretaker, much more forcefully, that it’s time she shielded your mother-in-law. If the caretaker was sent by an agency, tell them as well.
And make sure your mother-in-law sees a doctor. She just might have a urinary tract infection — not uncommon in Alzheimer’s patients.
And meantime, by all means put a plastic cover on the couch where your mother sits.
Thank you for writing
Judy
People - patients and their families - become accustomed to care and are reluctant to change, even if all the warning signs are there. Letting an old lady pee without protection is not what I call a ‘good caretaker’. There are possibly other manifestations of neglect, even abuse. Hazel should at the very least install a camera (a friend watches her mother and caretaker from her own cellphone) but my best advice is to replace the help.
Some people care about elderly relatives, other people care about furniture
Visit her instead.