Dear Judy,
I’m 18 and my mother has high blood pressure, very high. In our family that’s a killer (her mother died of a series of strokes from hypertension).
I still live at home because I go to our local community college. Things are difficult. Every time I do something of which my mom disapproves she tells me, “My blood pressure must be soaring” or “You’re going to be the death of me.” Especially if I see a certain guy she really hates, but other things as well.
The guy I’m seeing is 28 and he’s never been in college, and sometimes she’s mad about that, but other times she’s mad about the fact that he doesn’t have a steady job (although he works sometimes) or the fact that he’s 28, which isn’t exactly his fault.
It really makes me feel scared and sick and guilty, but also angry at my mother. Do you think she’ll die if I keep seeing this guy? My father’s no help, he agrees with my mother on everything, and will probably only make me feel worse and even guiltier if possible, so don’t tell me to consult him.
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
To answer your last question first: no, I don’t think your choice of friend is likely to kill your mother. Hypertension is usually controllable with medication, low-salt diets and exercises like yoga, and obviously the most important thing for your mother to do — which you might suggest to her immediately, in the event she hasn’t yet done so — is consult a doctor.
But let’s talk about you, not your mother. I agree your mother shouldn’t be guilting you: you’re too old for that.
But I think she’s doing it not because she honestly thinks your choice of boyfriend will end her life, but because she believes that if the relationship gets really serious, that choice might ruin yours. A guy of 28 with no steady job is not the guy for you.
You haven’t asked, but here’s what I’d suggest: see other people, finish community college and when you can, move out and see if you can share the rent with some friends. That way you’ll have no one to rely on but yourself, and no one’s advice to heed but your own. You’ll be surprised at the smart decisions you’ll make when you’re no longer rebelling against your mother — and she’s no longer guilting you into submission.
Thank you for writing
Judy
