Dear Judy,
My father, who is a widower, is dying of cancer of the pancreas, and isn’t expected to last long. The problem is: me.
I’ve just been told I have to go to Hong Kong for at least 4 months. I don’t really want to go, but if I want to keep my job, I do. In this market no one can afford to say No, as I guess you realize.
My younger brother lives right near my father, and he’s been doing a lot of the work: legal, financial etc for my father. I’ve visited a lot, but it isn’t the same. Now I won’t be able to visit at all, if I go abroad.
Should I say No to the boss? Yes? If so, what do I say to my dying father? To mybrother?
William
Dear William,
You are right about everything: the lousy economy, the unhappy situation of many employees who can’t afford to reject an employer’s decision, your father’s needs, and your brother’s responsibilities. And your responsibilities.
And none of this helps, does it? You’re stuck.
Here’s what I’d suggest, given the critical situation you and your family are in. Tell your boss that you will go to Hong Kong, but advise him as well that your father is dying — isn’t in fact expected to live long.
Tell him your responsibility is to your work, you realize that (he or she will love that part!); but ask that if your father is about to die, whether you might be able to come back for a few days to be by his side.
Also: explain the situation carefully to both your dying father and your brother. Tell them both you are leaving unwillingly; you are basically without choices; and that you love them both.
And by the way, tell your brother that after your return, if your father is still alive, you will shoulder most of the responsibility for his care.
And then do it.
Thank you for writing
Judy
