Dear Judy,
I know this is a weird email, but you did ask us readers for any question, and this one is important because I don’t want to offend anyone in the family.
Four years ago, Dad died August 2nd. He was kind of a bon vivant, he loved good dining and good liquor (and had liver cancer at the end to prove it). He always told us when he was healthy that whatever date he died should be a celebration date, not a mourning date, for the rest of the family.
Meaning we — the family, the kids and grandkids – were to go out to dinner at a great restaurant and toast Dad and then have a terrific time. So on the first anniversary after his death we did.
But as you probably guessed the grandkids in the family have school vacation in the summer. The kids go to camp or hang out at friends’ beach houses. So how am I going to tell them, No you have to come home from all that fun and go out with grandma, five other adults and toast your grandfather with grape juice?
My sister who has no kids tells me I’m being selfish. My mother says nothing, but I know she’s hurt I’d even consider going to the beach with my kids and husband in August — or sending the kids to camp so my husband and I can have a rest.
My sister told me to visit your site, so I did. From looking at the usual responses you give readers, I bet you’ll agree with me. We should have the restaurant night tribute for my Dad when it’s convenient!
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Your father wanted you all to toast him in a restaurant, but I’ll bet he meant this to be a fun time, not a source of agony and conflict. So here’s what I’d do.
Yes, the kids should go to camp — but you, his daughters, should make it your business to be at that restaurant on the anniversary date of your father’s death. The reason? Your mother. The reunion evidently, from what you indicate, means a lot to her.
I think everyone understands the absence of a young child (although if the kids can come home from camp for that one evening, so much the better). But if you know the event means a lot to your mother, be there.
As for the beach house: rent it in July. And ask your mother to visit.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Well ahead of time, meaning in October or latest at Christmas, you should all sit down and discuss this. I would suggest choosing dad’s birthday as an alternative date to celebrate, or your parents’ wedding anniversary.
Hooray! All problems solved! The economy is back on track, crime is under control, no risk of nuclear Islamists anywhere, global heating has stopped! Which is why some people write to advice columns about finding a suitable date for dinner. Thank you, Jennifer, for alerting us to the real issues currently facing humanity and for putting everything else into perspective.
What if Jennifer and her family were living overseas? Would her family think that they needed to make the trek back to the US to “celebrate” at great cost? Is that what her father would have wanted in these terrible times? The answer is obviously NO.
So Jennifer should celebrate on August 2nd at a restaurant near her beach house, and her mother and sister should do the same wherever her mother lives. And if they want to, they can figuratively “stop the clock” and celebrate August 2nd when they are all together.
Aaron is absolutely right. August 2 can either become a day which the whole family dreads as a source of tension, or a day of celebration, in which all member of the family, wherever they are, think of each other and of the deceased. If they add a conference call, by phone or video, they unite in more than thought and create an annual event to cherish.