Dear Judy,
A few weeks ago my friend’s mother died of breast cancer. The mother was skeptical of Western medicine and refused chemo or radiation. My friend moved my mother into her one-bedroom apartment (my friend slept on the couch), and provided all her end-of-life care.
In the mother’s final days, my friend took her to the emergency room several times — to no avail. She died of a pulmonary embolism.
In her last days the mother was completely out of her mind and told my friend several times what a terrible daughter she was. Now my friend is wracked with guilt, feeling she didn’t do enough to save her mother.
In fact, my friend has expressed suicidal thoughts to me. She sees a therapist, but it isn’t doing much good.
She lives across the country from me. How can I help her?
Chris
Dear Chris,
My guess is your friend who lives across the country from you has had suicidal thoughts well before her dying mother began berating her. And that these thoughts have plagued her, perhaps on and off, for some years. I know the rage of a dying parent can be brutal on the offspring, but usually not brutal enough to provoke thoughts of suicide.
But you asked what you could do even though you live far away.
First: you should suggest she see a doctor who can provide mood-elevating medication. A therapist is not enough in this circumstance, and she needs some pharmaceutical backup.
Second: If you don’t already have it, get Skype installed on your computer, so that you can be in contact with your friend on a regular basis, see her mood and facial expressions, and of course talk to her.
Third: if you have mutual friends, call them as well and suggest they drop by her house during these agonizing days and months.
And finally, you can — if she’s reluctant to get the help you suggest — bug her. A lot. Your support could be a life-saver.
Thank you for writing
Judy
