Dear Judy,
How would you determine at what age a youngster is equipped to go to a funeral? Does it depend more on the relationship with the dead person, do you think? Or are there age guidelines? I am really in a quandary.
Mrs. C in Chicago
Dear Mrs C,
I do believe, and I speak here from personal experience, that denying children the solace of saying goodbye is usually a bad idea. I say “usually,” because yes, there is an age guideline: children five and younger are simply not equipped to deal with funerals — especially if they are packed with the kind of spouses who throw themselves on coffins or relatives who describe for the benefit of all the details of the deceased’s last hours.
That said, most children six and older need to see finality. If they are deprived of a calm, ritualized ending they may start inventing the most fantastic scenarios: Grandma will spring back to life, isn’t really dead, will walk right back into the room at any minute. That sort of thing.
You want your child to know that some events cannot be reversed, and in this sense a funeral provides as good a lesson as any.
Thank you for writing
Judy
