Dear Judy
I am at wits end. My father, who is 57, is dying of pancreatic cancer. He is at a local hospice with maybe 2 weeks to live. In the last few years, when he seemed in good health, he and my mom quarreled a lot. I thought then that maybe he had someone on the side.
It turns out I was probably right. Yesterday I visited my father — only to find some woman by his bed who was definitely not a nurse. Then I saw a bunch of volunteers whispering together out in the hall. When I asked the head nurse about it, she didn’t say much, but I gathered from her that this woman is a regular visitor, and that at the end of her visits she gets really weepy.
What do I do? I don’t want to discuss this person with my father. He is really enfeebled. What, if anything, should I tell my mother? Should I talk to the weeping visitor?
Alice in San Francisco
Dear Alice,
I think we should concentrate on your word: “probably.” You believe that the weeping visitor was “probably” your father’s girlfriend, and that the hospice volunteers “probably” share your suspicions.
But what do you have to go on, really? Whatever your thoughts about your father’s amorous past, you can’t be 100 percent sure, especially at this late date. In fact, even if you’d found his visitor dropping by in a black negligee with matching six-inch heels, there would be nothing to tell your mother. That’s not your job.
You are wise to avoid discussing the matter with your father. He is in no condition to confide much of anything, least of all a love life that is now superfluous.
Above all, don’t confront the weeping willow. She sounds like a powder keg pining for a match. Death and dying are dramatic enough; they don’t need the embellishments of strangers.
Instead, tell the hospice nurses and volunteers to do their jobs. Explain that on future visits, you want to see your father in private, as will your mother.
Thanks for writing
Judy
