Dear Judy,
One of my oldest friends was recently told he had melanoma which has metastasized. He told me about it, and we discussed certain options (chemo, hospice care, palliative drugs, an early end).
That was 6 weeks ago. Now none of my calls are returned. When I stopped by his house last Saturday, before Thanksgiving, his wife came to the door and told me he couldn’t be disturbed.
Can you tell me what’s going on? I’m really hurt.
Les
Dear Les,
Your good friend is in mourning — for himself. He knows what’s happening. He even told you what’s happening, and as you say, you discussed the few options he has available.
Now he needs time for himself. I know this process is always painful for the healthy friends and relatives of those who are terminally ill. They feel they should be included — in everything at every stage.
But look at things from your friend’s point of view. He has very little time left. He has a lot to do, medically, legally, and above all, emotionally.
Give him some understanding. Write him an email from time to time, and if he doesn’t answer, back off. Tell his wife you are there when she — or he — needs you for any chore.
It is the last gift you can offer.
Thanks for writing
Judy
