Dear Judy,
I’m writing because I don’t know what to do. My younger sister has breast cancer. She is 36 years old and her type is a very aggressive kind.
I’m with her a lot, at chemo sessions, at her kid’s school (if my sister has to miss a parent-teacher meeting or something), everywhere. As a result, I am sometimes late to work or I miss the morning car pool; I’ve been late to dinner parties and other social engagements as well. And then I have to explain why, of course.
The trouble is whenever I do explain, someone in our office or at a dinner party or wherever always comes up with a similar story. I’ve heard from other women telling either they had a breast cancer scare, or they had the real thing. I’ve heard from men about their mothers and second cousins and ex-girlfriends.
And the thing is — I just don’t want to hear their stories. I can’t bear it any more. I have enough to deal with in my own life. And it is very miserable.
Is there any way I can put a stop to all these competitors who want to tell me their tales of woe, and see how it sizes up against my sister’s?
Alicia in NYC
Dear Alicia,
Sometimes people mention other, similar afflictions because they think (wrongly, as you’ve discovered for yourself) that by dredging up their own bad times, they’re offering a form of solace to someone who’s suffering.
It’s not so much that they’re competing with you (or your sister) as to who is suffering more — they just don’t know what to say. And mention of your sister’s illness prompts old, sad memories.
There really isn’t any use in being rude. I’m sorry to say this: you may just have to nod and bear it. Say nothing more on the subject. Don’t continue the conversation, Try to change the subject, if possible.
I’m sure there’s plenty worse that’s happening in your life right now. Just realize that well-meaning people often don’t know how to deal with sadness.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Alicia should spare people the details. If she’s late to a dinner party, she can simply apologise, without specifying why or explaining what kind of treatment she took her sister to on that particular day. iIt’s all in her hands.
Talking about fatal illnesses is like whistling in the dark. We pretend that the sounds we make will death at bay.
Alicia, it is a basic rule of social discourse that unless you want to hear endless stories about other people’s illnesses, it is your responsibility to change the subject. Preferably to something really stupid and dull, that will put the other person to sleepl. Try — “I just stumbled on a sale at Bloomies,” for starters. Drop illness and death as subjects of discussion.