Dear Judy,
My sister who has breast cancer, as it turns out, was misdiagnosed over a period of five years.
She complained every year (sometimes twice a year) about her breast getting harder and harder. Anyhow, by the time the doctors found it, she had an 8.5 centimeter tumor, which took up almost all of her breast, with all the lymph nodes testing positive.
She is very mad at everyone in the family. I basically don’t know what to do. I feel somewhat responsible for the situation as I guess we should have made her see another doctor.
My sister is only 51 and has a 14-year-old daughter. She too is very angry. How can I help? What can I say? It is truly a horrific situation and the doctor hasn’t even apologized!
Susan
Dear Susan,
I realize from the frantic tone of your email that your sister and her daughter aren’t the only ones in the family who are angry. You are too. And of course you have a right to be. It certainly is amazing that such a large tumor never showed up on a mammogram or ultrasound.
(By the way, the reasons doctors don’t apologize these days to their patients for a misdiagnosis is because in the minds of their lawyers and malpractice insurance companies an apology equals so-sue-me.)
I think the best thing for you to do right now is be kind to your sister, her daughter — and yourself. Your sister is sick, and the rage she feels about the unfairness of it all is inevitably going to be transferred to those she loves most: ie. her relatives.
Visit her. Often. When she’s angry try either changing the subject, or bite your tongue. See what she needs — a new CD, medications she may no longer have the energy to get at the drug store, a new doctor — and try to help her acquire them.
And do something special for her teenage daughter. Take her to a movie. Buy her dinner. Above all, talk to her, and not just about her mother’s illness. She needs you.
And write back any time and tell me how it’s going
Judy
