Dear Judy,
I’ll make this short. My breast cancer has recurred, third time; I am 37. We thought we had it beat the first time around. My oncologist has told me to “get my affairs in order.”
One of my “affairs”: My kids, 10 and 9. What do I tell them? Can I not tell them? What do I tell my mother, who has breast cancer herself, but not as bad as me. The prognosis for me is 100 percent bleak.
Sharon in Illinois
Dear Sharon,
I am so sorry about your recurrence, and sorry as well for your children — and your mother. Obviously, you must tell your mother the bad news at once: she will want to know, and she may be a help both to you and the children now, as well as much later when she can talk to the children about you, and probably (if she is well enough, despite her condition) help care for them as well.
Your children also must hear the truth, and I think they must hear it soon. Euphemisms are not a good idea. Phrases like, “Mommy is going away for a long time,” makes them think, in this day and age, that you are getting a divorce. A friend’s young children — when she told them much the same thing — asked why she couldn’t visit them on weekends.
So tell them you love them and that you are very likely dying. Tell them you have tried everything and nothing has worked. There is nothing else to do. I would also, of course, recommend a kind and thoughtful therapist for the children to see, both now and for later. That’s important. And as many relations as you can muster to be with them.
You haven’t mentioned a spouse, either present or former. If you are — or were — married, or have a steady man in your life, he should be by your side. And he should, once you are finished speaking, be there for them.
Thank you for writing
Judy
At that age, a few weeks are enough. No need to frighten them months ahead. Talk to them but only when the time is near.
I have an idea: if you have a video camera — or even just a plain tape recorder — either video yourself talking to your kids, so they will have you for always. Or just make a few recordings, advice, memories, how much you love them, maybe one recording for every birthday up to the age of 18. You can tell the kids about yourself, how you were at their age… I think they might cherish these memories.
My heart goes out to you all: be strong