Dear Judy,
Six months ago, our four-month-old baby died. We were not surprised: he was born with a kidney that could barely function and a number of other issues. But we were devastated.
Last week when I went out to dinner with my husband, a friend who’d barely acknowledged our pain at the time of our son’s death, saw us, waved her little hand and came over to our table. Then she said, “So how are you?” as though we were just another happy couple without a care in the world. Like, So how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
I just didn’t know what to say. My husband nodded, but he barely knows her. I, on the other hand, work in the same place she does, and said, “Oh, fine.”
But I’m just furious. Everyone knew what happened to our baby, including this woman with whom I used to be quite friendly. Should I have said something strong? Like, “Well aside from our only child being dead, we’re perfect”?
What would you suggest in such a situation?
Lannie
Dear Lannie,
I’m so sorry your baby died. I realize how terribly painful this time is for you, and how heartbroken you and your husband must be.
But actually some people — and I know this will sound perposterous to you — might forget your tragedy ever occurred in the intervening months. I’m not saying this is what happened with your office acquaintance whom you saw in a restaurant. But I am saying yes, it’s possible she wasn’t callous (or not completely callous) and just forgot completely about it. So it wouldn’t help to make a scene. And it would only make you more miserable.
To get to the real question, though, which is how to respond to people who flippantly ask you how you are after a tragedy — I think it’s best to do what your husband did: Just nod.
If the acquaintance sticks around for more chitchat, simply say that you’ll be happy to catch up at a later date, back at the office. That should give you the opportunity to catch your breath, compose yourself, and hold on to your husband’s hand for comfort.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Lannie, you say that woman “barely acknowledged” your tragedy. Well that means she did acknowledge it, somehow or other, when it happened. Now she sees you in a public place. Do you expect her to weep into your wine glass? So what DO you expect? Obviously, you are hurting. But do yourself a favor: define your expectations before you decide that the entire world is insensitive.
I am sorry to say this about Lannie, but Frances is right. When she says that the friend “waved her little hand,” she expresses irrational anger. (I’m a therapist and I’ve seen this before, needless to say). And while it’s perfectly normal to be angry at the situation, people who express sympathy her should not be the object of this resentment. She should get professional help, or find a support group and leave as much of her anger there as possible.
Avalon may be a therapist, but her b-s comment makes it clear she never lost a child. I know. Been there, and it’s hell.
Just to clarify for Avalon, the woman who “waved her little hand” did not express sympathy at that time. So the resentment was not toward a person who expressed sympathy. It was directed at a woman who asked “how are you?” which from my experience is one of the most loaded questions for someone who is grieving. The woman may not know that, but many times body language and previous interactions give the bereaved a good sense in whether this person cares, and wants to really know, or wants to here everything is ok and the same after you lose a loved one.
People who forget or ignore that someone has had a loss in their life, may do it for a variety of reasons. It still hurts, even if they may have done so because they don’t want to embarass you or cry in public. It hurts if they forget. But as Carmen stated, it happens. I agree with her response, but I know sometimes you want to let someone know they hurt you or made you mad. While that may help you feel like you stood up for yourself and your child if you do that, I feel that if it’s just an aquantance, and the chance of having to interact with her again (even though you work with her) is slim, let it go. You don’t need the gossip mill running. If you are going to have to interact a lot, then tell her, in private, how much it angers you. Then there is no scene and you get to espress your feelings.