Dear Judy,
I have a crazy sister. No, she doesn’t need a strait jacket, at least not yet. But she does very weird things: talks to herself (sometimes in public, at dinner parties). Gets a new religion about once a year. Invents lovers and dates and anniversaries. Tells almost anyone everything that’s on her mind. No filter.
My problem is, she lives with our mother who is suffering from moderate stage Alzheimer’s, and I know things are going to get worse for my mother. In a way, it’s a good thing my sister is living with our mother, because she can shop for her, and also prepare her meals and take her to doctors, etc.
But I’m really afraid that some day my sister will make some completely irrational decision or tell my mother she’s dying and has only x more months to live. Something like that.
I have a family with 3 kids, one still in middle school, and a job and not a lot of free time. But I’m afraid something awful will happen. What do I do?
Toni
Dear Toni,
For the moment, as you point out, things are okay in your mother’s house. Your sister is performing functions necessary to her well-being. And your mother is still in moderate-stage Alzheimer’s, meaning she can do a lot of things for herself.
But obviously, and it may be sooner rather than later, you have to expect your mother’s condition to worsen. So what I’d do now, while there’s still time, is plan. Visit some communities for the aged that accept Alzheimer’s patients (not all do…) and check out which are the better ones. Go over your mother’s finances and see what kind of care she can afford. Check to see if she has long-term care insurance (in which case you’re in luck, and so is she).
If she does have such insurance, contact the company immediately. They will send a nurse out to assess her condition, and you can start improving her life now and also plan a bit better for the future. It may be, in other words, that your mother will not have to rely quite so heavily on your sister for assistance.
As for what your sister might or might not divulge to your mother: I gather that is something you cannot control. In fact trying to control what she’ll say may provoke her. However, as Alzheimer’s makes further inroads on your mother’s memory, what your sister says may — alas — no longer matter.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Oh come on!!! Speaking to yourself shouldn’t disqualify anyone from looking after the sick and dying. Neither should changing your religion. Exclude those people, and how many will be left to care for the terminally ill???
If she is so worried, Toni should take her mother into her home. Instead, she bitches about the sister who seems to be shouldering most of the burden. Some people are nitwits.
Maybe she talks to herself and does “weird” things because she is left to take care of her mother who is suffering with Alz. disease 24 hours a day! It is EXHAUSTING!! Let’s see, moderate stage disease process can include significant personality changes,endless wandering, sundowning (up all night, sleep during the day), incontinence. Geez…..
Alzheimer’s is one of the most difficult things to deal with, as a family. Having a sibling lioving with the Mother is about as good as it gets– the sibling can’t be fired, has to take the wide mood swings, be on guard against behaviors that are themselves life threatening (starting a fire, deciding to drive)), or very damaging (not turning off bath tuub spigots). So Toni should cool it.
And, given the numbers of us likely to have Alzheimer’s– after 85 something like 50%– we all should take heed.