Dear Judy,
My husband and I are quarreling over this, so I thought I’d write. We have 3 grown sons, all of them married. Two of them have kids (our grandchildren); the eldest and his wife don’t want any kids, which makes me sad, but I know, I know, it’s none of my business.
My feeling is we should leave the bulk of our estate to the two sons who have children. After all: more mouths to feed, and college will will day rear its head for all of them. My husband tells me this is just my subconscious way of “punishing” our eldest son and his wife for their refusal to procreate. I think I’m just practical and he’s sentimental.
What do you think?
Elsie
Dear Elsie,
I don’t know if you’re out to punish your eldest son subconsciously or otherwise — but I do know one thing. When you die, and the will is read, he will feel like he’s being punished by you if you cut him out.
Now how you divide up the estate is up to you and your husband, of course. And maybe you do want to leave something extra for those with children — if so, explain as much in the will. That will make the childless couple feel less like they’re being singled out.
But disinheriting children, even adult children, is a bad business. It leaves scars. I don’t recommend it.
Thank you for writing
Judy
You and your husband are both right — but you choose different paths. In your place, I’d allocate funds for each grandchild on condition that they matriculate. Divide the remainder of the estate in equal parts.
You definitely are making judgments about their life choices, which will lead to very painful discussions and a lot of in-fighting. How fondly do you expect these heirs to remember you?
I have a thought. You all should divide the money — each according to his needs — while you’re all alive.
Perfectly reasonable to provide liquid assets to the two sons who have responsibilities that go beyond taking care of themselves and thieir spouses. With the economy spiraling out of control, and most costs that relate to kids and their future growing higher, there is clearly a need for a “needs based” estate. You can write into your will the reasons you chose to do so, and include a special section for the one “left out”.
To show the son without children you love him as much, there must be many cherished possessions that you give him that will make that point (If he judges you solely on whether he is getting his share of the pie, he’s notthe loving son he should be.)
Greg
Give your estate to those you love.
If you judge your love for your children solely on their fertility, then by all means just pay off the ones who bred grandchildren for you.