Dear Judy,
I am a very prosperous lawyer. My sister, who has always struggled for ready cash, is really sick. In fact, she needs a bone marrow transplant, for which I’ll be more than happy to pay (her insurance won’t pay a dime toward the treatment, which is outrageous, considering she has always paid her premiums on time. But frankly there’s so little time, we just can’t sue the bastards right now).
My question: My sister has always been very touchy about her reduced circumstances. Which I completely understand. When we hung out together in her healthier days, we never went in for exhorbitant indulgences, like destination spas or shopping at upscale stores. We rented movies and watched them at my house, or she cooked, or I sprang for modest meals at local restaurants.
But I really want to help her now. This is not an instance, I think, where pride should prevail. It’s life and death. I did broach the subject once, and she turned me down flat, saying she didn’t need my financial help.
But she does. How can I help without offending her?
Cynthia in L.A.
Dear Cynthia,
I think you’re right. Pride should have no place in this situation. However, your sister clearly feels it does — and bad illness very often heightens a person’s sensitivities.
So here’s what I’d suggest. Offer once again to pay for the bone marrow transplant, but explain that it’s really a loan. which she can repay at her leisure when she’s once again healthy.
Your sister might point out the obvious: that it’s a loan she can never hope to repay. But you can explain that payment can come in various forms: helping out at your office, for instance. Or doing research on a case in which you’re involved.
I hope this works.
Thank you for writing –
Judy
This is the time to tell her how much you love her, and that losing her will make your money worthless! Nothing is more important than human relationships.
This is a stretch, but I wonder if there is an organization which would cooperate — and help you chanel your money toward some worthwhile cause? Maybe it should go to some hospital? Or maybe you can find some other outlet?
Aren’t there other family members who could help??? Either financially or through persuasion???
Boy, do you let on how you feel…. “She cooked, I sprang for modest meals” shows how you really viewed her, and why she feels diminished by your relative prosperity. Family is the one place no one should feel inferior, where we shouldn’t be judged by the size of our wallets. Your sister will refuse all financial aid, which could well mean survival in her case, because you never could rise above the meaninglessness of being a prosperous lawyer. Tell her — NOW — how unimportant money is. How much you love her. How her survival is vital to you.