Dear Judy,
My mother has had cancer for 10 years. She has endured a number of operations, chemo and radiation — only to have her cancer recur each time. She is strong and brave, though.
In September she underwent an operation to remove the pleurisy in her lungs. But she knows the cancer is taking its toll. She is from the old school, and although she is depressed, it is hard for her to seek help.
She recently fainted, and her fear is of more pain. She might well be in pain now but won’t reveal it. How can we reassure her? We tell her we’ll get her any type of medication she needs. Although she says these pills just make you sleepy, not to mention to her it’s just “more pills.”
Your advice is greatly appreciated.
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
I am so sorry about your mother, and sorrier still that she is likely in pain. The hallmark of pleurisy for instance is severe chest pain, and cancer often brings with it its own forms of pain, including depression.
That is all largely avoidable these days. And that has to be worked on even though your mother is, as you say, of “the old school.”
Here’s what I suggest.Go with your mother to her next doctor’s appointment. But BEFORE you go, call the doctor’s assistant and say you’d like to speak to the doctor either before the appointment (on the phone) or after — in person. Then tell the doctor exactly what you wrote me: Your mother is depressed and likely in pain.
The doctor may not know any of this: I’ll bet your mother minimizes her afflictions even to medical staff.
But my bet is this way at least your mother will get exactly what she needs. A way to live with cancer with a minimum of pain, grief and depression. I’m not saying she’ll be thrilled. But I believe you have a good relationship with her. And you can persuade her to take the medications she needs.
Thanks for writing and tell me how things turn out
Judy
