Dear Judy,
Am I getting paranoid? When I first had my mastectomy and halfway through chemo, I kept very active, visiting kids and grandkids — and my battle was kind of like that. No big deal.
Since then, I’ve been laid off work, and the results of my chemo became more physically obvious despite makeup and wigs. Last time I visited a son and grandkids, they all looked uncomfortable. All have stopped calling and visiting.
My husband says they are just concerned. He tells them — and me –I need to rest at home because I am very sick. I may not look too swell, but I am trying hard to beat this and stay upbeat and active.
Is it normal for everyone to make a hasty retreat? I can understand everyone being uncomfortable when they see me, but this seems a little extreme. I am certainly not a complainer, and don’t discuss my cancer at all except with my doctor.
I don’t think you can die from being chemo-ugly, but maybe you can die from being rejected socially. Do I just ignore this, or should I speak up (and maybe risk a fight with my son?). Will I sound like a whiney old ugly cancer lady if I do speak up?
Betsy
Dear Betsy,
I think it’s time for a frank talk with your son. He’s an adult but he may be — like so many of us — scared of seeing you, a person he loves, vulnerable and visibly changed. Why? Because it’s a reminder that we are all vulnerable to illness. You, your son, me, everyone.
So I think that’s the scary part you describe. I think you should tell your son what’s obvious: Yes, you have an illness, and yes, you are doing everything in your power to beat it. And yes, you want to be as much a part of his life and your grandchildren’s life as you were before the illness.
I believe that kind of talk — candid, open, uncomplaining, and not accusatory — will clear the air some. It will make him understand your needs: an open show of love, an open show of support, and lots of contact.
So have the talk. Do not tell him how hurt you feel (although of course you feel hurt). Do not mention past behavior. Just state the facts. You love him. You love his children. You want to see them all. Sickness is a part of life. Love is a part of life.
There will be no quarrel, I promise. And you will win out.
Thank you for writing. Keep me posted on what happens.
Judy
