Dear Judy,
I need your help. Or someone’s. My mother-in-law, who has metastasized breast cancer, is obsessed with her son, my husband. I am the target of her malicious and often vicious attacks.
She believes I am not good enough for him. Actually, I am his 3rd wife and no one before me was good enough and the marriages ended in divorce.
(Even his girlfriends growing up weren’t good enough.)
I am the subject of verbal abuse from her. We are currently in counseling and she has written emails to our therapist giving her the “picture” of who she thinks I am. My husband has tried to speak with her several times and she just won’t back off. I am afraid this might be another failed marriage for us. She calls him constantly, and will only call his cell phone so I won’t answer. She texts him also.
What doesn’t help is that she says she is a psychic. She often tells my husband she “sees” me for who I really am. The reincarnation of some evil Scottish queen. She tells him I have attached myself to him because he is such a good man. She says I am needy, etc. etc.
I am a good wife and mother! We love each other very much but I just can’t deal with this any more. I feel my husband should do more regarding his mother’s actions. What am I to do? Thank you.
Tami
Dear Tami,
Usually I answer these kinds of emails myself. But my dear friend, the highly regarded advice columnist Margo Howard (daughter of Ann Landers) who has her own terrific advice site on www.wowowow.com is a perfect candidate to deal with with your dilemma.
So I shall let Margo provide her common sense and wisdom in this instance. Here’s her take:
“I am assuming the ill will from your husband’s mother preceded her illness. And because you’ve had two predecessors who were divorced, my guess is that no one would be considered “good enough” for this mother’s son – a fact he needs to understand.
“Let us hope the therapist you’ve consulted is hip to the missives from the possessive, trouble-making, and clairvoyant mother.
“Now: To quote that sage, Joan Rivers, ‘Can we talk?’ This woman — who is wielding some very tight apron strings – is not going to be around forever, which could be one reason your husband is not cutting her off or reading her the riot act. It sounds as though he knows she is crackers.
Without wishing to incur the wrath of Psychics United (should they all belong to an association) let me just say that soi-disant psychics are suspect, at best, and someone needs to inform your husband of this. Anyone who is not wrapped real tight can assert she or he has mystic powers, say anything, and in so doing terrorize someone who is naive.
“So, dear needy, evil Scottish queen, to your question, ‘What am I to do?’ I guess my direct answer is a very short sentence: Hang on and wait!”
Margo, supportively
Margo got it right on all counts: No one would ever be good enough for your husband; there will come a time when your mother-in-law is not a factor; and, you need to have what she says roll off your back like water off a duck (And “duck” is what you should do with the verbal abuse). The key is not to let your husband buy into any of it.
And Judy, great you invited Margo Howard, to respond. I love her work
Well, I would only add that any self respecting evil Scottish queen, dead or alive would wear plaid. That ought to do it, start wearing plaid!
Really, I would second the “hang in there”. If this behavior was only noted after the diagnosis and recent, I would look into the possibility of metastasis to the brain, but it sounds like this behavior is pre disease and long standing (at least two wives and many girlfriends). So….best of luck and learn to take it with a grain of salt.