Dear Judy,
So last month I go on vacation to the south of France, and some woman I meet on the trip (poolside at a villa belonging to a mutual friend) turns to me and tells me, verbatim: “We have 4 children, all grown..” and “We went to the south of France twice before.” Everything she says is We We We.
Naturally I assume there’s a Mr. We. But no. As it turns out — as I learn from talking to other guests, Mrs. We is actually a widow. For over a year Mr. We has been dead, and my guess is she probably knows it, because in all other respects she seems perfectly non-crazy. I mean she could carry on a reasonable conversation, and she went sight-seeing with the rest of us, and seemed normal.
I made some huge gaffes before finding all this out. Like asking her what her husband does for a living, and does he love France? Etc. etc. She answered for him, without hesitation, in the present tense. I kept wondering where the hell he was, until I was told by others that Mr. We was no place near the pool or even France.
So the next time I meet her — and I’m sure the next time will be next summer — what do I do? Act like the guy is still alive? Or condole? Or not mention Mr. We? Or what?
Pat
Dear Pat,
Sometimes it takes a long time for even reasonable and rational people to get over the death of a spouse or anyone they love. They may not mean to talk about the person in the present tense — or at least they don’t mean to mislead you. But they can’t bring themselves to use the past tense, because they are afraid of the possible results, all unveiled in public: tears, grief, memories.
Obviously, this widow isn’t ready to show a lot of emotion in front of relative strangers. And who can blame her?
So my guess is your new acquaintance is more than likely completely sane. But she is new to widowhood and very vulnerable. By next summer she may well refer to her late husband in the past tense. Give her time. And while you’re at it, give her some understanding
Thank you for writing
Judy
How very sad! Not that Mrs. W. doesn’t know that she is a widow, obviously she does, But she should be spending her time and money on coming to terms with her situation, and instead she is gallivanting in the Mediterranean sunshine. The longer she delays, the harder she will fall.
I’m a therapist from New Jersey — I can read throught the lines that this woman still feels part of a couple. In a sense there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it doesn’t go too far. There’s definitely still a “we” there. Unless she speaks about her husband in the present tense, such as “We went to a movie yesterday,” I don’t see anything wrong.
I think Travis should try another profession when he says “I don’t see anything wrong”. Come on, the woman is living is an unreal world, which gets reinforced by people going along with her notion is there is still a “we”. If she is to have a life, she needs to come to terms with the loss of her husband.