Dear Judy,
I am newly married and have a 15-year-old stepdaughter. Her biological father is dying of lung and colon cancer.
I want to comfort both my stepdaughter and my wife. My stepdaughter feels her father no longer cares about her, and about a year ago told her Mom, “I wish he would die.” Then 2 weeks ago he learned he had those cancers.
I’ve encouraged her to spend time with her biological father, so she won’t have regrets later in life. But what else should I do? I just feel I should do more.
I also have a 2nd part to this question, and it concerns my wife. Long ago, she moved as a nanny into the bio-father’s house. He molested her when she was 16 and he was 30. When his wife found out, she moved out of the house, leaving the kids. My wife then had a kid with the bio-father — my stepdaughter. It took years for her to divorce him.
Last night we discussed all this and it brought her to tears. Any advice?
Ken
Dear Ken,
I think you are kind and wise to worry about your stepdaughter and your wife. Your lived a nightmare. She needs therapy — now. Let’s leave it at that.
Right now I feel the feelings of your teenage stepdaughter are paramount. My bet, given the strenuousness of her objections to seeing her father and the way she talks about him is that a lot of traumatic events went on in that relationship that perhaps you don’t know about.
So this is one of the rare instances where I would say: Listen to your stepdaughter. Don’t push her to visit him. It may be that staying away from him, even though he’s dying, is the best and safest course for her right now. In a nutshell, your stepdaughter could use some therapy too right now.
As for her feelings later in life about failing to visit her father at the end of his days: my guess is they will be, at worst, mixed. At best: relieved she was spared the experience of having to pity a criminal who blighted her adolescence — and wrecked the life of her mother.
Thank you for writing
Judy
