Dear Judy,
We just learned our daughter-in-law, whom we have always loved and admired, has colon cancer, very advanced. She was never one to go to the doctor, but that’s not the point. When she discovered her condition, we were in Portugal, Sapin and France on a vacation (6 weeks!) — and no one called or said a word. Not our son. Not her. Not her parents. Our son phoned our cell from time to time, but told us nothing about her.
We came back home to find total chaos: our daughter-in-law making preparations to die (she’s looking into hospice care); our son and grandchildren in tears, doctors, medications, friends visiting — and we’re the only people who never knew.
Our son says he didn’t want to ruin our vacation. I think it’s horrible, so does my husband, that no one told us. Very hurtful too, as though we weren’t family or close. We would have flown back right away!
What do you think?
Natasha
Dear Natasha,
I think, whatever your feelings about not being told while on vacation, you have to pack them up and stick them in the back of a very crowded closet — right now. There are more important issues facing people you love at the moment.
I also think that your son and daughter-in-law very likely wanted to “spare” you pain on your vacation. I realize it’s pain you wanted to share. But they probably felt they were being thoughtful and kind in keeping the bad news from you until your return. In other words, their silence was not a signal that you were somehow or other outside their immediate family. Quite the contrary!
So put your hurt feelings aside. See what you and your husband can do for the daughter-in-law you love — and for your son. For starters, you might offer to babysit the grandchildren. It will give you something important to do; it will give your son time to devote to his sick wife.
And it will give you family time.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Your son and in-laws ARE wonderful. What could you have done that they weren’t already doing? There will be plenty of opportunities to be by your daughter-in-law’s bedside, helping to care for and nurture the children, support your son.
So it is time to get over a mistaken hurt, thank them for allowing you to enjoy what may the only respite from panic and frantic care you’ll have for some time.