Dear Judy,
My husband of 7 years died in our house, here in Phoenix. I’m from London, and I moved here when I married him. Everything in the house reminds me not so much of him, but of the day he died. The lamps, the stove, the ice maker and the furniture, and even the view.
I know that sounds odd. But as he picked out practically everything within view (he took command of every situation being that kind of chap), I feel that I now need to move. I found his body, lifeless, when I returned from a Pilates class, and that moment and the moments thereafter keep replaying in my mind on and on, like a very bad film.
Do I move? I ask because given the current state of the market, as I’m sure you know, this is a bad time to sell a rather dear house.
I have asked friends and received all sorts of responses, especially, “What your running away from will follow you everywhere.” Which is really rather chilling.
Is it true? What do you think? Someone told me about your web site and suggested I email you.
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
Well I certainly think you should try to change venues, but not commit yourself.
Let me explain.
You might, for instance, try putting your current house up for rent — and also try renting some new form of shelter. A condo? A house in another state with a completely different climate and a radically different view? An urban apartment in, say, Boston or New York, where nothing will remind you of Arizona and that awful day?
Or, if the mood strikes you, maybe a year back in Britain? Or Italy?
I’m not promising any of these new venues will do the job of erasing — or even easing — sad memories. But a move to a completely different kind of home in a place far away from Arizona might help.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Renting is a good idea. Amanda might want to sell later, so she shouldn’t make any irreversible decisions for at least for a year. As she reconciles herself to her tragedy, those very objects which now trigger pain may become a source of comfort and perhaps fond memories.
Judging by the recent marriage and the Pilates, it seems Amanda is fairly young. She will want a new life. No point staying where her main connection is with a dead man.
How tragic and traumatic for Amanda! I hope she has a decent support system. If not, she should find professional help.
It sounds like Amanda had a domineering husband and hasn’t yet adjusted to being the decision-maker- –for herself. Coming to terms with the new situation, a fresh start and a fresh outlook on life is what is needed. Amanda should go to a pilates spa for two weeks, clear her mind as she tones her body, then make decisions.
Amanda should seek guidance in healing her spirit but must not neglect the house which has seen such agony and disruption. For her sake if she stays, and for future tenants if she goes, the building must be purified of those ill winds of death and sorrow which now permeate it.
Judy, what nonsense!! Does Candee really think that flesh and blood is the same as bricks and tiles? Healing a house and purifying a building — someone’s nuts!
Did you know that it’s pretty common for people to “purify” an area by using ground up sage? It’s an old American Indian spiritual ritual. I think it’s just like going to church, or being sprinkled with some kind of holy water or other spiritual rituals.