Dear Judy,
My mother, who could be very frank and open even with strangers, died two months ago. I loved her a lot. But I recognize that not everybody did.
The problem is what people say. I get a number of condolence notes, and also some phone calls and comments from friends. But more people than you can imagine say things like, “Oh she really had a mouth on her, didn’t she?” Or, “I’ll bet you had a tough childhood with her as a mother!”
As a matter of fact, she was a good mother. My father left her when she had me, and she had to raise me alone, with almost no help. She worked hard at a job she hated, just to put me through college. OK, so she had a few quirks. Maybe more than a few. Maybe she shouldn’t have spoken her mind as much as she did.
But I find comments like that out of order. Don’t you?
Also: What should I say in reply, in your opinion? If anything?
Vera
Dear Vera,
As we all know — or should know — the proper response when a friend’s relative or spouse dies is, “Oh I’m so sorry.”
No one has to add a thing to that — although for the sake of friendship (and world peace…) it’s considered polite to do so.
In other words the last thing anyone needs from friends when a loved one dies is perfect honesty. Why your friends think otherwise baffles me.
What do you say to those rude enough to flout the rules? Just what you told me: “She was a good mother. She worked hard at a job she hated just to put me through college. I loved her a lot.”
That should shut them up. In theory.
Thank you for writing
Judy
