Dear Judy,
I’m 27. My boyfriend died in a drunk-driving accident. He was the drunk. I could say a lot about what life with him was like. We had a kid together, he’s 2. I’ll be truthful. I’m glad my boyfriend’s no longer around because of the kid, and other things.
My boyfriend’s parents want to keep in contact with my little son. I think it’s a bad idea. Part of what made my boyfriend a drunk and abusive was them.
Do I have to stay in touch? Let them come over and play with my son? They have a lawyer, and I’m a little scared of that.
What do you think?
Pam
Dear Pam,
He’s your son, not theirs — or their lawyer’s. If you think the parents of your late boyfriend are unworthy companions in any way for your son, you have the duty to keep them far apart. If you simply think they did a bad job on your boyfriend, but have since improved in some way, let them see the child from time to time, but stick around. Don’t go out when they’re visiting.
And if you believe that either of them drinks to excess and might do so in your son’s company, tell them your child is not available. And tell them why.
It will be years before your son can make good decisions based on experience and common sense. You have to do it for him.
So do it.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy, your advice makes a lot of sense but don’t you think Pam should consult with a lawyer?
Pam, I am so sorry about your situation. But as you state, you are sort of relieved to have your boyfriend out of your life, meaning you have an opportunity for a fresh start. May I suggest that you should now try to avoid superficial analyses like ‘part of what made him drunk and abusive was his parents’? How do you know? Maybe it was you? I am not saying it was, I am simply saying that life is complicated. Simplistic and superficial slogans are not the way to go about coping.
Maybe they feel guilty about how miserable his son made you and how he died, leaving an orphan, and want to make amends. Having caring grandparents could be one of the best things that happened to the child, and to his mother.
Gill comes closest to understanding the situation, but misses the main dimension, At the moment of his death, while the boyfriend’s life flashed before him (it does, trust me on this one), he understood the full consequnences of how he had lived his life. His profound regret radiated to those who were willing to accept it, meaning his parents but not his angry girlfriend. They are probably not aware of it, but in approaching Pat and.her son, they are complying with his dying wish. And Gill, I think you may be displaying the begining of a psychic gift. Refine it!