Dear Judy,
I think whatever I write is going to sound harsh, no matter what. My sister lost both her children — 1 in a drowning accident, the other of leukemia, and that was just this year.
I’ve been very sympathetic, there for her all the time. But sometimes, if I just mention any hint of a problem in my own life (I am recently divorced and have lost my job as well), she basically shuts me out. She stops talking and gives me a filthy look.
Like nothing that happens to be is of any importance compared to what she went through. In a way that’s true. But in another way, I feel like she doesn’t care what happens to me, and it’s very lonely this way.
What do you think I should say? If anything…
Karinna
Dear Karinna,
Right now it’s way to early to readjust your relationship with your sister. She has gone through hell, as you yourself observed, and she’ll need a lot more than 7 months to be able to sustain a normal conversation with you or anyone.
I realize you feel lonely just now, and in need of someone sympathetic to your own problems. But I’m assuming here you have other friends, close ones, you can trust to listen and maybe even give you good advice. Also — and I realize that for someone who is currently jobless this may not be economically feasible — if you do know a reasonably priced therapist, a few sessions might help.
In any event, as you guessed, now is the time to listen to your sister and the nature of her grief and her loss, without discussing whatever ails you. Your problems, hard as they are, have to be resolved without her help.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Thank you for that post, Judy. I am not going to complain about anything all day. My problems are so small compared to those in the post.
Karinna obviously has no children if she does not understand that losing a child is not the same as losing a job, or a husband. Those can be replaced.
The best thing Karinna can do for her sister is to help her find a support group.
The sister sees Karinna’s desire to talk about her own issues as a rejection of her pain and an unwillingness to share. If Karinna keeps at it, the sister will feel that her needs are not being dealt with. Since this would be intolerable, she might drop her sister completely and find other people whom she will see as more sympathetic. What I am trying to say is that if karinna is not careful, she might soon not have any relationship left with her sister