Dear Judy,
My mother-in-law is in the last stage of ovarian cancer. She never wanted her son (her only son) to marry me, and made that clear during our courtship. But to give her her due: after the wedding she more or less came around and was at least civil to me.
Now that she’s dying, all that has changed. My husband and our kids visit her often. I am never invited to join them. They sit by her side and hold her hand. I am never in their party.
I have told my husband I’d like to join them from time to time, especially to say goodbye. No dice. My husband usually mumbles something totally unintelligible in reply and switches on the TV.
I feel humiliated. What do I do?
Lesley
Dear Lesley,
Well as I’m sure you figured out by now, your sense that your mother-in-law finally came around to accepting your place in the family was probably incorrect.
I know that your feelings are hurt. And your husband, at the very least, should offer you some explanation of why you’ve been excluded from these deathbed gatherings. But I think, on the whole, your smartest course would be to say nothing more about your mother-in-law and your desire to be by her side. Nothing to your kids, above all. And nothing more to your husband on the subject.
For one thing, I don’t see how — given what I assume is a dying woman’s resistance to your presence — you can improve matters by arriving at her house, uninvited. For another: what will you achieve if in fact you do manage to gain entry? Her love? Your husband’s thanks?
So let it go. The awkwardness of the situation will not last.
When your husband visits his mother with the kids, you might give yourself a treat by going out with friends, catching a movie or a play. That way you won’t be deprived of companionship. And your husband won’t be deprived of some private time with his dying mother.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
The problem as I see it is that the children see their mother being snubbed. This teaches them that it’s absolutely okay to ignore or hurt a parent.
Reading over Lesley’s letter carefully, I believe the problem is not her mother in law but her husband, and that her marriage is in touble. For all we know, the old lady cannot understand why Lesley avoids these family visits. She and her creepy husband need some marriage counselling.
ish: Being Snubbed by the Terminally Ill | TheCheckoutLine made some good points. I did a search on cancer and found most people agree with your blog.
Brilliant advice, Judy.