Dear Judy,
Our daughter died of breast cancer a year after giving birth (they diagnosed her when she was in her third month of pregnancy, and she refused chemotherapy or radiation, for obvious reasons). In fact she was determined to have the child, who turned out to be a little girl, come what may.
And it came. She died two years ago.
A year later, our son-in-law remarried. He and his new wife had another child. The problem, Judy, is that our own little granddaughter calls this new wife “Mom.” Frankly, we — my wife and I — find this disrespectful to our late daughter. She was the mother. The new wife has her own child. She is the stepmother.
My wife and I cannot believe how easily the memory of our daughter has been obliterated. It is so hurtful. Is there anything we can do about it?
William in Missouri
Dear William,
Please understand that the terrible pain you are feeling has nothing to do with whatever your granddaughter calls her stepmother. Your grandchild is, as you say, very young. She has no memory of the first loving woman in her life. If her stepmother treats her like a true mother, she is a lucky girl.
If the child calls her stepmother Mom, it means something is working.
So let it go.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
If you know what your granddaughter calls the second wife, it means you are a guest in their home. You should be grateful they include you. Meddle and you will be excluded from their life. A woman who marries a widower with a child has enough on her plate. She should not be expected to carry your pain too.