Dear Judy,
I’m sure you don’t get too many emails like this. Our mother died on Sunday, supposedly of emphysema and heart disease, but I think of malice. We are burying her this week. She always said she wanted me, her only daughter to give the eulogy. I don’t know what to say that would be pleasant.
I guess she loved my 2 older brothers (the feeling was never mutual), but she sure never acted like she loved me. I was always “too fat” in her eyes. Or “difficult.” In school my grades were never good enough. And when I married that went double for my husband, and later my kids who are still very little. Nothing I ever did was good enough.
I may have said at some time or other that I would go along with her wishes and give the eulogy at her funeral. But thinking about it now, I don’t want to.
Do I have to? What do you think? My husband says a promise is a promise.
Evelyn
Dear Evelyn,
The nice thing about funerals is you never have to worry about offending the guest of honor. Don’t worry about your promises — they seem to have been given under duress.
Let whoever is doing the praying say a few words about your late mother. Your husband can supply a brief bio, if you don’t feel up to it.
And thank you for writing
Judy
Weird question. If Evelyn’s mother never loved her but loved her 2 brothers, then why did she ask Evelyn, of all her kids, to give the eulogy?? Maybe Evelyn has it all wrong. And her mother did love her…. Something to ponder.
I’m not so sure Judy is right. If say her family knows that the deceased asked her daughter to give the eulogy — and then and she stays quiet throughout the funeral — they’ll wonder what’s going on. Evelyn can say stuff like: “Mom was a strong presence in my life.” True enough, right? , Or: “She set very high standards for us all.” Not hypocritical, not a lie. I’ve been there, and done that. It works.
Jason makes an interesting point. Evelyn’s mother probably knew that the relationship with her daughter was problematic but didn’t know how to fix it. Asking her to deliver the eulogy was a a kind of message she sent her, while she was still alive, that she cares deeply for her, and hopes that the daughter will find it in her to forgive.