Dear Judy,
Our good friend, a prominent local politician, died yesterday (no surprise: he had emphysema). And in both the death notice and the obit the family stated that instead of floral tributes, they’d appreciate it if friends and mourners would send a contribution to some charity I’d never heard of.
So I googled it, and it turns out this “charity” is some lunatic group that wants to prevent evolution being taught in public schools across the nation.
Well my husband and I are frantic. In the first place our good friend, the deceased, must be spinning in the funeral home casket about now. He was definitely not a nut. In the second, we are pretty sane ourselves.
How can we honor our friend without dissing his crazy relatives?
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
I know the problem. And I know the answer.
Under no circumstances is any mourner obliged to send money to any charity suggested by the family of the deceased. All you have to do as a mourner is….mourn.
If you wish, you can certainly send something to the charity you think your late friend the politician might have chosen, in his name — without informing the relatives of the deceased.
Or you can do nothing. It is entirely up to you.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Somethere here makes zero sense. Maybe Leslie and her husband didn’t really know their friend as well as they thought??? Possible, right? There are other levels to this story, much that does not meet the eye.
Give to some charity you know he would have appreciated — and make that known to his relatives - do not allow his family to wreck his memory!
Judy, this question just proves that you are right when you say people should prepare everything ahead, and inform close friends and relatives ahead of time. Good work!
In our family, when someone dies we ask people to give money to a charity of their choice (but obviously we give them a list: we want to make sure it’s a charity we approve!!) We get thank you letters when we do this. Of the dozens of contributions over the years, only one was problematic — someone gave money to the PETA, which is an organizatiion we don’t support.
In these times, the decent thing for mourners to do is to make it clear that nothing more than a condolence note is required. If people want to give charity they do it anyway, and flowers are the biggest waste of money imaginable.