Dear Judy,
My stepfather just died. He was very good to me when I was growing up, and I appreciate that, paid for my high school AND my college (my mother was jobless and also a drunk, to be honest).
Then he divorced my mother and remarried. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive but not because he left my mother. He also left me. I never got a phone call or even a birthday card after they split up.
So now he’s dead, and everyone thinks (even my mother) I should pay my respects, go to the funeral which is in 2 days’ time and visit the widow.
I am torn. I have great memories and bad ones. Christmases without even a small present, and birthdays with no note or email. And lots of phone calls (from me) that went unanswered.
I can’t decide. Should I go and say how sorry I am?
Lorna
Dear Lorna,
I’d say this one is up to you, entirely. First you have to consider: How sorry are you?
If there are still very fond memories of his generosity and affection, then I’d say, yes, you owe it to the past. But if your subsequent anger and resentment over the way he expelled you from his life overwhelms those good memories, then no, you don’t have to honor him in any way. Or comfort his widow.
But here’s the most telling question. Is it important to you to engage in the ritual of mourning for a man who loved and helped you for a very long time? If it is, then by all means go. If not, you must do as you see fit.
Thank you for writing
Judy
