Dear Judy,
My older sister has always disliked me. She is 34 and very sick now. I did not get the news from her. Stage 4 renal cancer, which I know is rare, and deadly.
I am told (by my younger brother) that she has a good renal oncologist. She has a 5-year-old son and a good husband, plus my brother sees her pretty often. So do I have to visit her?
The reason I ask is because when we were teenagers — or really when she was in her teens and I was just about to enter puberty — she made my life miserable, always telling me how ugly and awkward I was (I was, but who wants to hear that at 12?).
Then when we were older she basically ignored me, was too “busy” to come to my wedding a few years ago, too involved in her own life and her own friends to invite me to her parties, etc. So I always felt she kind of didn’t want me to exist.
Do you think she’d even want me to visit her when she’s so sick?
Vera
Dear Vera,
I really don’t know what your sister would want or not want now. But I have a feeling I know that in a way — a pretty strong way — you want to visit her before it’s too late. And that’s why you wrote me in the first place.
So go visit your sister. Don’t count on getting any issues resolved. Your sister is in no condition to either make amends or explain past behavior.
But go — for you.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
Vera, your name means truth. And the truth is that she’s your sister, blood of your blood, flesh of your flesh, spirit of your spirit. Your childish disagreements pale in comparison with these truths of life and the finality of death. Do the truthful thing. Correct the past before the future overwhelms you.
Hmmm. I say there are two sides to every story, and wonder what Vera did to cause all that friction and why her sister avoided her wedding. She obviously wants to go visit, but before she does, she should have someone, probably the brother, ask if she’s welcome. She may not be.