Dear Judy,
I live in Brussels most of the year, and I also travel a lot on business (mostly to Hong Kong and Singapore). For the last four months, my brother has been on my case. I’m about to come back to the US for four weeks, as I do each year, and he wants me to spend the entire time caring for our father.
Judy, our father has lung cancer and some dementia. He barely knows me or anyone else, for that matter. He has a day nurse who helps out, and I help defray the cost of that. Do I have to spend every second with him?
I don’t mind spending maybe a week or two dealing with my father. But I have friends I haven’t seen for a whole year, good ones. I have a former boyfriend who wants to talk “serious talk,” as he puts it.
My brother keeps nagging though. He says that for 11 months each year he’s the one caring for our father, holding his hand and taking him to the doctors, and now it’s my turn to be by his side. In other words, I’m being guilted by a master-guilter.
So– do I have to put everything on hold for the one whole month I get to go home?
Adele
Dear Adele:
Yes.
Thank you for writing
Judy
That Adele who wrote in sounds like she has plenty of frequent flier miles. She can take off time from work to spend the odd weekend every 2 or 3 months with her father and give her brother some respite. That way he might feel more generous towards her during those those 4 weeks and allow her some time to herself.
Adele seems like an international businessperson. if she cannot help her brother by sharing the burden, she should chip in financially by hiring a caregiver — someone for instance who can take the old man to the doctor.