Dear Judy,
My father is dying of a prostate cancer, which has metastasized faster than any member of his allegedly brilliant and ridiculously expensive medical team ever predicted or imagined. His favorite doctor recently indicated he might die in a matter of months, maybe a year. He also has a problem with his sugar levels. So it’s all a big mess, and the whole family is completely depressed. Him too about half the time.
Another big problem: Last week my father asked me to buy him his favorite kind of cheesecake from a favorite baker. I did so. He eats a small piece every day, and it seems to improve his mood for a few precious minutes.
My mother is furious with me, though — and with my father. She told me I was behaving irresponsibly by ignoring his secondary condition; she has begged him not to eat the cake. He either ignores her, or laughs, saying he has nothing to lose.
I personally agree with with my father. But now that he’s basically polished off the cake, my mother has flat-out forbidden me to re-visit the bakery shop for another. Okay Judy: which one of my parents should I disobey?
Carol in Beverly Hills
Dear Carol,
Normally, I’m all for giving the terminally ill exactly what they they want. In the hospice where I volunteer, families have been known to bring in packs of cigarettes for patients with Stage 4 lung cancer, and nobody on staff fusses about that, as long as the smoking takes place out of doors on the patio. On the other hand, patients can drink alcohol only if the hospice has received a doctor’s order saying it’s okay.
So even license has to be bordered by common sense. In this instance, I’d suggest a talk with one of your father’s doctors (or perhaps a doctor you might respect more than the ones your father selected) before heading back to the bakery. A thumbs-up will ease not only your mother’s objections — I think it will ease your conscience as well.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I agree entirely. Keeping your father happy is important, but make sure you’re keeping him healthy.