Dear Judy,
What do I do about a dying sister who refuses to admit she’s dying? She has liver cancer which has spread all over (in her lungs too now…), but she keeps planning trips, cruises.
Sometimes she says, “When I get well, we’re going to…” and then she expects me to say yes, I am going with her on a trip to Spain (our mother is Spanish) or maybe we’ll both take our kids to a dude ranch in Arizona.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to go along with a mythical recovery. But I don’t want to blurt out the truth.
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
If your sister knows she has liver cancer, and that the cancer has metastasized, then your sister knows deep down how limited her life will be.
In other words, there’s no need to be blunt — and also no need to go along with fantasies. (Although at times I’m a big believer in fantasies, this is an instance where conjuring them up isn’t necessary).
When your sister speaks about future long distance trips with you and the children, simply nod, and say: “Our first task right now is to make sure you feel better and more energetic.”
Please note this isn’t a lie. You are not suggesting she will recover. You are not denying it. You are simply saying she needs to recover energy to plan a trip far away.
That is the best and kindest way of handling your difficult situation.
Thank you for writing
Judy
