Dear Judy,
Some years ago, maybe 3, my friend, her husband and I practically came to blows. (the issue, believe it or not, was abortion rights. They are anti. I am pro).
We stopped speaking completely. Now her husband has pancreatic cancer, and is not expected to live long.
I’ve sort of hinted around to mutual friends that I would like to be in touch and provide some sort of support to either or both of them. And my ex-friend has been blatant, telling our mutual friends that she never wants to see me or hear from me again.
What do you think? Should I approach her anyway straight on? Call? Pay a visit in person? I feel maybe it was foolish for us to part ways the way we did, and over an issue that had nothing to do with our friendship.
Cathy
Dear Cathy,
Maybe it was foolish. Maybe philosophical disputes shouldn’t end up, or nearly end up, in gang warfare. But it happened. Or nearly happened. And your ex-friend, who must be under considerable stress and enduring considerable grief, doesn’t want to mend fences just now.
So this is one of those rare cases where I’d say, Let your friend grieve and mourn without you. Those messages she sent through intermediaries were meant to be taken literally. Back off.
I’m not saying back off forever. In a year, perhaps, she might feel differently. But for the moment, it’s not your sympathy or company she needs or wants. That has to be respected.
Thank you for writing
Judy
