Dear Judy,
I’m in a real quandary and I hear you are good at resolving quandaries. Here’s the problem. A really close friend of mine is dating a guy I’ve known for years. In fact we grew up together, and I knew his father when I was a kid, growing up. My mother knew his grandmother pretty well.
Guess what? Father and grandmother both had a long history of depression — the father was institutionalized and received electroshock treatment. Both he and his mother committed suicide — the grandmother, shortly after I was born. But I remember the death of the father, even though the word “suicide” was only whispered. We all knew it though.
The problem is this guy never mentioned his family history to my friend, and I know she’s getting really serious about him. She’s 31, she wants marriage and children, and she expects the rest of her life will be spent with him.
Judy, we all know there’s a familial pattern to severe depression, probably a gene too. I just don’t think it’s fair that this guy never mentioned his sad family history to my friend. Should I? Or would I be a real busybody. I just don’t know what’s right in this circumstance.
Jill in Toronto
Dear Jill,
If you are certain your friend has never been informed about her boyfriend’s family history, then, yes, I would say it’s appropriate for you to mention it — without italicizing your remarks or driving the point home more than once.
Be prepared, however, for some very angry reactions. My bet is the boyfriend will very much resent your childhood recollections, and he may break off contact. But given the fact that you happen to know both parties — and one is your very close friend who is falling in love and planning her future — yes, I think telling her there are elements to take into account before rushing into marriage might be the right thing to do.
Be aware, however, a family history of depression and even suicide does not condemn the offspring to the same fate (we all get two sets of genes, after all). Also, these days there are far more chemical remedies for depression than there once were. And if I were you, I would mention that as well.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
If you never raised the subject with her, what makes you think he hasn’t ever mentioned it? Just because she hasn’t told? That doens’t mean she doesn’t know. She’s moved along in her life, and possibly no longer shares her intimate information with you.
It always amazes me that people gossip about everything — yet when it comes to real life and death issues, they hesitate. What are you waiting for? She could become accidentally pregnant and carry those genes one generation further, while you’re sitting there doing nothing about it.
If this guy is lying about this, I wonder what else he’s lying about?
Express your concerns -see what happens.
Butt out!
Can’t you find a way to let her know indirectly? You might ask a neighbour to clue her in. Or if that doesnt work, an annonymous note will do it. Whatever: I agree with Judy. This person should be informed. Put yourself in her shoes: how would you feel if a close friend knew you were about to step into a risky situation and said nothing?
Totally agree with Ted-butt out! If the family had a history of diabetes, cancer, heart disease etc. would you feel compelled to tell your friend? Don’t imagine so, so keep a lid on it!
Oscar
I believe the risk of not telling her friend this information is greater than keeping her mouth shut.
Edward, I really agree with your comment. “We” don’t think twice about spreading malicious rumors but we second guess sharing important information.