Dear Judy,
I just learned that my mother has terminal cancer. My best friend has been told her mother has Alzheimer’s, past the mild stage. Her memory is shot.
Neither knows about her own diagnosis –yet. But I fully intend to tell my mother about her cancer, so she can make plans and decide whether or not to undergo chemo and radiation, and also make longterm decisions about end-of-life care.
My best friend is adament: she will never tell her mother that she has Alzheimer’s. In fact she has inveigled her mother into going to a gerontologist who prescribes certain pills that are memory enhancers — but it’s all through subterfuge. I think secrets are toxic, and my friend is robbing her own mother of the truth.
My friend tells me to mind my own business. Who is right?
Ricki
Dear Ricki,
Please. Whoever invented the tired old slogan “Secrets are toxic” was without a doubt a sadist. Secrets, as we have all learned, can be absolutely necessary in certain instances. Think of bad illness as a kind of wartime: strategies are often best kept quiet.
A friend whose own mother suffers from Alzheimer’s recently informed me that she made the decision to do just what you advise: tell the sick old lady the truth about her condition straight away. And guess what? It was a truth that had to be repeated over and over and over again — and each time the old lady had to relive the horror of discovery.
Your mother on the other hand needs to be informed. She is capable of making sound decisions about whether to accept or reject therapy; and what kind of care she wishes should these therapies fail.
In other words, every situation is different. You are in the best position to know your own mother and her needs. But so is your friend.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Good post.